That marked the end of a beginning.
The next few hours, I oscillate between being half-conscious and being fully unconscious. A moment I am back to reality and a moment later I am gone. In the distant, I hear the sound of the old doctor. His sound comes and goes just like the lights on the ceiling. It reminded me of the days when I used to constantly turn the lights on and off just because he brought work at home. To tell him that home meant me. Us. I wonder if he is doing it now to get on my nerves.
Memories. All I have left now are memories from my past.
The alarm pierces through the heart of silence. Before I get to react, it quickly goes back to sleep again. A hand comes sneaking in under the gap between my neck and shoulder, and the other lovingly pulls me. I smile in my sleep and curl up. He then spoons me firmly in his arms. The warmth of his body electrifies every single cells of my body.
“I love you more than anything else on this planet, Lily.” He whispers in a husky and erotic voice gently stroking my arms with the face of his palm. His touch does wonders to my heart. It swells with awes.
To answer his whisper, I change my side to face him and brush his lips with mine. He radiates love. I look deeply in his eyes letting his “I love you…” linger in the air. His breath is calm.
“I love you more than myself, Sam. And you know that I love myself more than anything else on this planet right?”
He carefully smiles trying not to smile. Closing his eyes, he runs his fingers over on my face. He starts on my forehead and slides his fingers carefully past my eyes and nose. He then starts brushing my lips with his thumb.
“If a day would come when I have to wake up without you by my side, I would never wake up from my sleep. The silkiness, softness, smoothness and warmth of your body is the only thing that forces me to come back to life every morning, Lily.”
Words. I knew them. He knew them. But he had a way with them. He breathed life into them.
Six years and nothing has changed. We do this every morning and it feels like the first time every time. Every morning at the sound of the alarm, he changes his side to turn it off, plants a soft kiss on my shoulder and I curl into fetal position in his arms. Then, we confess our love to each other. After which he lets me fall asleep in his arms for twenty more minutes. Finally, he gently shakes me awake and I raise my left hand in the air for him to pull me up from the bed.
Mornings. Our favorites.
The shaking this time feels very unusual.
And why is my Sam calling me miss Lily? I turn my face away from him, and still keeping my eyes closed I throw my left arm in the air for him to pull me up.
The vigorous shaking this time has brought drops of ice-cold water.
I open my right eye only. A worried face wearing a thick and dark plastic framed rectangular eyeglass, which rests on a round slightly upturned nose and flappy ears.
The doctor. It is the same doctor. I come to back to now from my dream. I get up on my feet as fast as I could.
“What happened doctor?”
“You were cycling between consciousness and unconsciousness miss Lily. We did MRI of your head to make sure that there was no injuries from the fall.”
“Yes, doc?” I reply still staring at the ceiling.
“While you were being taken care of, we were gathering papers for clearing out Sam’s body. And you know what we found written at the end of his journal?”
“How would I know? It is only the doctors who keep the journals.”
“Yes. But, I don’t know how he got hold of his own journal.”
“Oh! God! So he knew the truth?”
“Yes miss Lily. You wanted us to hide it from him. Be positive to him. And it was actually working. He was showing improvements.”
A brief pause.
“He planned it all miss Lily.”
The words fell from his mouth as light as the snow, but they hit me hard as the bullet. The doctor handed me the journal.
We stare endlessly at each other.
I lay still, frozen and paralyzed. I can neither blink my eyes nor close them. Her eyes shed invisible tears. She has stood strong.
Our face portrays screaming silence.
The silence. It’s excruciating and immeasurable. My breath. It’s heavy and slow.
And our eyes are full of striking emptiness.
The man in the white coat had presented his verdict, – “Your body has shown signs of improvements.”
Outside the sun descends slowly.
It’s time. Tonight, I’ll choose not to breathe. I’ll end the never-ending pain for both of us. I don’t want to wake up anymore without her by my side. I’ll sleep for eternity. She’ll cry but move on….
I look at the doctor with eyes full of tears. His face shows no expression.
I see the crumpled envelope on the bedside table.
I see the end of our morning ritual.
“I don’t want to live without my Sam doctor!” I finally cried.